I was talking to my sister last night and it caused me to think about somethings. She was saying how her coworkers were asking questions about my disability and I thought of all of the questions I’ve had to deal with my whole life. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to talk about how to ask appropriate questions.

First let me start by saying every expert is going to tell you in their books to use person first language. This simply means saying something like a boy with Autism rather than an Autistic boy. Simply put it makes sure that you see the person before the disability. Second it helps to know a little bit about the person before you start with 20 questions. This is especially true if you don’t want any awkwardness or conflict. Remember we are all just people too and like anybody else are background shapes us. For example, a war veteran or the victim of an accident are more likely to be dealing with the raw feelings of being disable than someone who has had it their whole life like me. Here though I feel obligated to remind you that these are generalizations and each case is unique

Now let’s say you’ve put in the time to get to know the person and you are ready to fire away, but you are still not sure how to broach the subject politely. My best advice is just to say what you mean in the simplest terms possible. I can’t tell you the number of awkward conversations I’ve had, which were made worse by having to guess what the person was asking. It saves both parties time and effort if you are direct but understand that there are some questions the person may not want to answer and you should respect that. As long as you remember that the person you are talking to is a human being and treat them with respect you should be fine.

Just to be clear respect means avoiding words like cripple and retard, these are the equivalent to the N word for the disabled community. You should also avoid using a baby voice, asking about their genitals or saying things like, “What’s wrong with you?” At this point some of you may be wondering, but how will I know what is wrong with them? The answer is there are plenty of ways you can find out about their disability without going negative for example instead of saying, “What’s wrong with you?” you could ask, “What is your diagnosis?” or “What type of disability do yo have?” Both of these are perfectly respectful ways to ask the same question.

Here too you have to do something very important, listen. I cannot stress this enough, if you are going to ask the question remember the answer. There is no quicker way to show you care. You would be amazed how many people just don’t listen. For example, when I was in high school I had a friend who thought I was a spinal cord injury the whole time because he never listened.  There maybe words used in describing their disability that you may not understand, but that is okay most regular people didn’t go to medical school. It is the perfect opportunity for a follow-up question or if you are not comfortable with that, smartphones come in handy. Just remember it is better to fail in the pursuit of knowledge than to live your entire life in ignorance.

I wouldn’t feel as if I’d done this topic justice without a quick word on talking to people with disabilities in public. Hopefully no one reading this says anything like, “It is so nice that they let you out today.” If you do please stop immediately. If you run into a person with a disability and their aide in public please address the person with the disability first. The aide may answer if the person is unable to, but it is always better to assume that the person with the disability is capable.

Finally, a word to mothers everywhere when you tackle your children to keep them from pointing it is far from the subtle move you are going for though it has provided me with many chuckles over the years. If you have the time, I would actually recommend approaching the person with the disability and if it is alright with them let your child ask some questions. Some of my all-time favorite questions have come from kids. Their fresh take on the world can lead to amazing insights and great laughs. For example, one day a few years back after a X-Men movie had come out a little boy walked up to me in a store and asked in a breaking little voice, “Did you lose a battle with Magneto too?” Looking back on this I always smile not only at the thought of me fighting Magneto, but also by the great compassion showed by that little boy.  I can assure you, you will be impress by your kids if you give them a chance to interact with a diverse group of people.

I’m sure I could ramble on for another couple of days, but I’ll spare you the pain. I hope this was helpful and if you have any specific questions I would be happy to answer them.